This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.
We’ve joked about the impending nuclear apocalypse for years (because let’s face it, it’s pretty damn funny), but at the rate things have been going, we’re starting to wonder if we should stop laughing and start sounding alarms. Right now it’s still hard to say, but until WWIII hits, we’re going to remain confident that our suggestion to build a bunker and stock it full of survivalist gear is merely precautionary rather than prophetic.
So check out this life-saving equipment, which every day seems increasingly necessary (gulp). And even if you’re not preparing for the End of Days, at least the stuff is pretty awesome:
UltraBright 500-Lumen Tactical Military Flashlight Two-Pack
Who among us doesn’t enjoy curling up with a political thriller before bedtime? We’re willing to bet that a nuclear apocalypse won’t stop Jonathan Franzen from pumping out a new novel each year, but unless you’re willing to burn precious generator fuel, you’re going to have to kiss them goodbye all the same. Or you can score two of these ultra-bright LED flashlights and a freezer bag of backup AA’s. Made from military-grade aluminum, this two-pack of tactical flashlights have a range of up to one mile. Get them here for $29.99.
Morphic M41 Watch
I know what you’re thinking: “Why should I bother to know what time it is anymore when most of my new life will be spent searching for supplies?” It’s because an analog watch can be used as an impromptu compass during the day. And besides, even if standard measurements of time are rendered obsolete, is it so bad to wear something just because it makes you feel beautiful? This handsome stainless steel timepiece is water-resistant, and its hands glow in the dark. It usually goes for over $600, but you can pick one up here for $59.99.
Off-Grid Survival Knife
Once the local militia turns to worshiping the radioactive clouds that have formed overhead (most likely through ritual sacrifice), you are going to want a more capable knife than the one you usually use to open the mail. This little stainless steel multi-tool can help you escape from a sealed vehicle with a window punch and seat belt cutter. It also includes an LED flashlight and a fire starter. We imagine you’ll find uses for every tool listed. Especially if everyone you’ve ever known and loved is now a zombie. Grab this Off-Grid Survival knife for $24.99.
Bomber Carabiner Paracord Keychain
You might find yourself in desperate need of some rope when you sprain an ankle in the woods trying to outrun the New Sons of Liberty. With this unassuming key carabiner, you’ll have enough length of ultra-strong paracord to finish swiftly crafting your splint. Plus, you’ll have something that holds your keys in case, you know, the world doesn’t go to hell and you want to keep them in one place. Get the Bomber Carabiner Paracord Keychain for $18.99.
Five-In-One Survival Flint Fire Starter Bracelet Two-Pack
When the streets are no longer safe even during the day, it’s time to take refuge amongst the dense shroud of forest and wilderness. These bracelets will help you and a friend survive anything with an included flint, cutting tool, compass, emergency whistle, and rope. Nothing makes a friendship bracelet extra meaningful quite like using it to save your goddamn life. Pick up two of these Survival Flint Fire Starter Bracelets for $15.99.
The Ballistic Backpack
Keeping all of your priceless heirlooms and field rations in a cheeky bindle might make a few world-weary souls chuckle, but you’ll need a heavy-duty backpack if you want to make it through the winter. This durable satchel is made of ballistic nylon developed by military material experts, and is big enough to carry a 15″ laptop … because if it’s the end of the world, you’ll definitely want to be firing off angry emails to the people who made that happen. Wait, will electronics work in this new post-apocalyptic era? Well, it can’t hurt keeping your laptop around as a tool to bludgeon squirrels to death. Grab the Ballistic Backpack for $99.99.
Credit Card Survival Knife Two-Pack
No, bigger is not always better when it comes to knives. Case in point: this credit card folding knife, designed to be supremely easy to carry and a breeze to use when needed. This miniature blade folds into a convenient, credit-card-sized package, and is machined out of durable stainless steel that will resist rust, scratches, and blade passivation. And since you’ll no longer have use for credit cards once the world economy collapses, you can even keep it in your wallet! Hell, by that point, the knife itself may become the new currency. Get a two-pack for $16.99.
LuminAID PackLite 16 Inflatable Solar Light
While you might be able to buy a few batteries from electronics-hoarding hermits, it would ultimately be best if you didn’t have to rely on their inconsistent inventory. Plus, you’d be better off using batteries for slingshot ammunition than as an energy source. This LuminAID lantern is solar-powered, so you can stop trading away your entire bullion stash for 9 volts. It also floats when inflated, because at this point, anything that doesn’t float when inflated is a serious disadvantage. Get it here for $17.
Waterproof Dry Bags, Three-Piece Set
When you are busy choosing weapons and hand tools to load into your bug-out jeep, it can be easy to forget that keeping your food and clothes dry can be the crux of your survival. And considering the polar ice caps will be slushy at this point, staying dry is going to be an ordeal. Get this set of waterproof bags and avoid that rookie mistake. This trio of waterproof, roll-top dry bags can be had for $39.99.
Arctic Monsoon Instant Pop-Up Tent
Your apartment might make a good tactical base camp for the resistance, but you can’t depend on it for all of your shelter. Stay as nomadic as possible with this weatherproof pop-up tent. It packs flat in seconds, so you can flee in an instant, and it comfortably fits two to three people, making it perfect for stakeouts and reconnaissance. You can get the Arctic Monsoon Instant Pop Up Tent here for $74.99.